To Pris,

Dear you, It has been a year and I still do not know how to explain the kind of grief that comes from losing someone who is still alive. People talk about heartbreak like it only belongs to love but friendship has its own kind of ending too. Quieter, maybe. Less dramatic from the outside. But inside, it can feel like losing a language only the two of you spoke. You were the person I thought would always have a place in my life. The one I imagined growing old beside in some ordinary, ridiculous way. The one I thought I would still be sending voice notes to years from now, laughing about things nobody else would understand. And then you were gone. For a long time, I kept trying to make sense of it. I turned the story over and over in my head, looking for the exact moment everything changed. I blamed you. Then I blamed myself. Then I blamed timing, pain, mental health, the things neither of us knew how to carry properly. The truth is, I think we were both drowning. I just did not know how to save you without going under too. I am sorry for the ways I failed you. I am sorry for the times I was too tired, too overwhelmed, too wrapped up in my own hurt to notice the depth of yours. I wanted to be stronger for you. I wanted to be the kind of person who could stay through anything. But I was breaking too. That is the part I still struggle with. I know I left parts of you unanswered. I know there were moments when you needed me and I did not have enough of myself left to give. I also know that being hurt does not make everything okay. Both things can be true and I am still learning how to live with that. Some days I miss you gently. Other days I miss you with anger in my chest. I wonder who gets the version of you I was always waiting for. I wonder if you are softer now. Happier now. Easier to love now. I wonder if someone else gets to know you without the sharp edges that cut me. And even though I hate admitting it, I hope they do. I hope life has been kind to you. I hope you have found peace in places I could not give you. I hope you have forgiven yourself for the things you did when you were not okay. I am trying to forgive myself too. A year later, my life looks different. I have grown around the empty space you left. I have laughed again. I have loved again. I have become someone I think you might have recognized maybe even been proud of. But there are still days when something small happens and I reach for you in my mind. Then I remember. You are no longer there. So I write this here because I do not know where else to put it. I miss who we were. I miss who we almost became. And I think a part of me will always keep a little room for you, even if you never come back.